She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
