Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
