this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
