I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
ok first of all what the fuck
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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