I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
