So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
