how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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