I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
