I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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