I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
