Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I want a musical about memes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
