end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
