i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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