I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
