Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
