I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
