I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
