I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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