I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
