Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You need Xanax blowdarts
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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