You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize