My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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