vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
