Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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