When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
