I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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