Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize