i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
a search helicopter?!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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