Do you still have your period?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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