"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
