No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
