Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
