Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
