I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
