he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize