Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize