I'm passing your future prison.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize