I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
