Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
