Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
