I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
