So drunk its hurt
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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