You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
