Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
