if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
