Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
