They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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