you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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