I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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