I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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