I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
