He uses pillows to masturbate.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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