i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
