He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize