My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
