the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
