theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
