I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
