If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
